It's late. The kids are crying. My head feels like it's going to explode. In reality, my whole life feels like it's going to explode. I can't scream; I can't cry. To be honest, I am beyond those feelings. I only have a gut-wrenching desire to be anywhere else but here. To run and hide somewhere where I am not needed anymore.
This is what the end of my week looks like. It's been long, overdrawn. My husband has been home very little and because of his schedule, I am on my own Monday through Friday. And by the time Friday gets here, I am ready to sit down and give up. It's hard!! Every single time I feel like I am failing, I yell in my head, "WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME IT WOULD BE THIS HARD?" I should have been given a heads up, right? Maybe a little warning. At least a whisper. Anything! Anything to let me know that this thing--this thing that we all call parenting is THE HARDEST thing that you will ever go through.
I am sure someone, at one point, told me that it was going to be hard. But that was when it was easy. "Just wait until it's hard," they said. But no one tells you what "hard" truly means. Well, you know what? I will tell you.
Hard means that your patience is going to be tested beyond human limits.
Hard means that you will feel like you are in this alone, like you're failing alone, like you're sinking alone.
Hard means that you will want to literally give up and run and have no where to go.
Hard means that you will have to choose to control your anger no matter how angry you feel.
Hard means that your kids will fight and fight hard against you.
Hard means that you will have to hold your ground and not give in even when you are so weak you can barely stand.
Hard means that sometimes you will have to shut yourself in the bathroom just to get away for five minutes.
Hard means that you will find yourself shaking and crying because you are unable to do anything else.
Hard. Motherhood. Is. Hard. Being a parent is hard. But. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Because after you have lost your patience, after you have failed, after you have given up, after you have fought that inward battle of self control, after you have held your ground, after you have locked yourself in the bathroom, and even after you have sobbed and cried, there finally comes a time of quiet. And you realize that you CAN do this. I can do this.
I CAN DO THIS.
I CAN DO THIS.
This is the hardest thing I will ever do. BUT I CAN DO IT. I might look like I should be on the set of the Walking Dead right now, but I can do this. The best thing about it is that I know that I am not alone. There are millions of mothers who know what HARD really is. Who are being tried and tested and tugged and pulled at. Just like me, there are mothers who are feeling like they want to run. Like they want to give up and hide. And if you're that mom going through these same feelings, well, just know--I understand.
The quiet has finally come. My heart is restored. The kids are asleep and tomorrow is a new day. It IS hard, but when I finally get a chance to breathe and gather my thoughts, I realize I made it through another day and it is all SO worth it.
Good night, beautiful mamas <3
